Pop Star Lily Allen answers tactless questions about stillbirth

A miscarriage is not a stillbirth, and this interviewer should have learned the difference before he interviewed Lily Allen. his week, pop singer Lily Allen appeared on the Jonathan Ross show and was asked about losing her first child with husband Sam Cooper, a son, who was stillborn in 2010 when the singer was six months pregnant. “It was the most unfortunate thing that could ever happen,” said an emotional Lily as Jonathon Ross looked flustered and uncomfortable. 

We must talk more about pregnancy loss … but talk with compassion

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to discuss something so anguishing, so completely unfathomable to anyone but those who have been through the same thing, on global television. Lily looked tense and jumpy, as anyone would when they are trying to keep their composure but sobbing inside. To an extent I also feel for interviewer Jonathan Ross, who is clearly dreading the moment he must raise the topic. Jonathan and Lily should both be applauded for talking about pregnancy loss, however I feel Jonathan could have made the conversation a little easier for Lily with a few simple changes to his language and questioning.

A stillbirth is not a miscarriage

He began, for example, by referring to Lily’s loss – at six months gestation – as a ‘miscarriage’. “Stillbirth,” she corrects him curtly. Although the pain of losing a child at any stage of a pregnancy is an equal agony, there is a distinction and it’s an important one. In the UK, where Lily is from, a stillbirth is defined as a baby who dies in the womb after 24 weeks. In Australia the definition begins at 20 weeks. Lily held her son in her arms after he was born. The very least a professional interviewer could do before probing into such a painful topic is to understand the reality of what Lily faced and describe it correctly.

It is equally painful whether you’re a celebrity or not

He then goes on to suggest that the process must have been particularly painful for Lily as she lived through the event in the public eye. “I think it’s difficult for anybody regardless of what world they live in,” Lily counters. She’s absolutely right. She lost her baby boy, a baby boy who she will never see grow up, take his first steps, go to school. That was front of her mind both then and now. Sure, it wouldn’t have helped to have the world talking about it, but I doubt she cared much either way. Her grief would – and would still be – the same universal, human grief that any mother in her situation would endure. I don’t suppose she was reading too many newspapers.

New children don’t take away the loss

Jonathan rounds off the topic by saying, “And the fact that you have two lovely kids now … what a lovely thing,” to which Lily nods and smiles. For one awful moment there I thought he was going to say “… which must make it easier,” or “… which must help ease the pain.” Lily now has two daughters, Ethel and Marnie, with husband Sam Cooper.

It’s not easy for people who haven’t been through the loss of a child to know what to say to a mother who has, a mother who will grieve for the rest of her days. But the least we can do is try, certainly if we’re about to interview them on television. A stillbirth is not the same as a miscarriage. A stillborn baby has a gender, and often a name. (Lily has previously told a reporter that her family keeps a small stone in their back garden with her little boy’s name on it). And no later child – although equally loved and cherished – can ever ‘replace’ a baby taken from the earth too soon.

Perhaps when pregnancy loss becomes less of a taboo subject than it is today we will be more comfortable with comforting a grieving mother and more aware of how we can honour and respect her loss.

What not to say to a parent who has suffered a pregnancy loss

Do you know someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss? Here are some tips from miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death support group SANDS about what not to say and do to bereaved parents, and how you can help instead:

• Don’t avoid them because you simply don’t know what to say. Instead tell the parents that you don’t know what to say. Often there is nothing to say and being there is what is important.
• Don’t use clichés like “You can have another baby”, “At least you already have children”, “It’s for the best”, “Everything happens for a reason” or “It was God’s will”. These comments deny the life and individuality of their baby and can seem thoughtless and hurtful.
• Don’t say “I know how you feel”. Unless you also have lost a baby you will have no idea how they are feeling. Even if you have experienced a similar loss you still won’t know exactly how they feel as every circumstance is different.
• Don’t judge their feelings. Bereaved parents have enough to cope with without having to justify the way they are feeling and reacting. They need to know that you accept them just the way they are.
• Don’t avoid the subject. They are already upset, so talking about their baby is unlikely to upset them more. Instead, you are allowing them to express their pain. Tears will probably be shed as their baby will be constantly on their mind, but it is okay for them to cry, and for you to cry with them.
• Don’t offer to put away the baby’s things. This is something most parents will want and need to do themselves when they feel ready. There is no rush to do this and it is part of saying goodbye.